Recently I’ve been learning just how much power there is in being true to yourself and your passions.
I know this sounds like a given lesson or fact that almost everybody knows and understands. Yet, as much as I thought I knew and understood this, I wasn’t living by it. I often pride myself on being self-aware and knowing when something is good for me and when something isn’t. But the lines blurred when it came to figuring out the things that served me and the things that didn't. Especially within the bounds of my creativity. For a while I couldn’t tell the difference between the ghost of who I was and shadow of who I’m becoming. Both were nurturing two different passions and two different paths but only one held the road and longevity to my happiness.
The woman I was in the past nursed and blossomed this childhood dream of mine to be a creative director or fashion designer.
So much so, that when most odds were against me from distance, to credits and scholarships, etc. I worked my ass off to persevere. Through that I got accepted into my dream college of FIDM in downtown LA and thus began what I thought was my creative and “passionate” journey into fashion. In reality it was a journey of self discovery and realignment.
Most days on my 2-3 hour drive to LA I found myself dreading what I was doing. I couldn’t even remember the why or intention behind the degree I’m pursuing, besides the fact that I’ve wanted this for so long.
I was reaping the consequences of holding tight to a dream that had expired. I held on so tight to FIDM that my fists started shaking and my face grew cold to the beads of sweat dripping down. I wanted so badly to be happy and for this investment to magically work and fulfill the hunger and expression my creativity begged for. But bottom line, FIDM was not for me. My labor was not worth its fruit. Which led me to a chilly Tuesday morning in November, I walked straight to the office and told the staff I wanted to unenroll. Several counselors asked and questioned my certainty and with each shake of my head, I stood firm and confident in my decision.
On my drive back home I kept questioning myself -- What now?
"I understand now that I'm not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, "for the same reason I laugh so often -- because I'm paying attention."
The only thing that kept passing through my mind was the urge and need to write. Focusing on writing is what felt most natural and cathartic. Writing for me is like a form of escape, a probe to my thoughts and ideals, the shedding of a thousand tears, an exuberance of my joy, and an ode to my pains. Writing felt right.
With this realization I took it and ran. I placed my focus onto writing and the different mediums I could try and become better at. I wrote horror, dabbled in romance, and reflected in poems. Every time I wrote I felt good, I felt happy. Now it was time for me to fully step into the shadow of who I was becoming. I knew if I really wanted to be sustained by writing I must pursue something bigger within it. I followed the truth and trail of my passion and it aligned me with greatness.
Please know it is okay to change and grow. It is okay to be versatile within your passions and hobbies. It is okay to let go of dreams and to question yourself and the things that make you happy.
Through this is the only way we can find clarity and truth. Whatever is meant to be, will be. It should nourish you and take you further than you thought was possible. Even in the uncertainty and stillness, if the passion you're pursuing fulfills and sustains you with pride and joy, stay focused. Stop doubting. Greatness is within you.