WRITER'S REMORSE
I just finished binge watching the second season of Harlem, subsequently conjuring a storm of thoughts, epiphanies, and emotion. This isn't a series review though. I guess I felt compelled to share what I'm about to share because life feels bountiful and boundless these days. I don't recognize this feeling. Watching back to back episodes of a show which spotlights an all Black lead cast of women who reflect the real struggles and triumphs of being a Black woman is endearing and extraordinarily empowering to say the least. What most moved me however -- was the fact that this show was written in the first place. It's proof that our incessant pleas for inclusion haven't been for nothing. Yeah, because we're not begging for a seat at the table anymore. We're literally building our own damn tables and as a Black woman/artist/creator/writer how can that not be utterly invigorating? We don't need permission. We're taking back our power through meaningful storytelling on the big and digital screens. These realizations only lead me deeper into my own dreams -- realizing how I've stalled my own success for years from mostly fear.
Of course anyone who knows me wouldn't even believe I was afraid of anything. Technically I'm not. But being successful, it's the one fear that's lived in the back of my mind. It haunted me. I knew I was talented since around the 2nd grade when my teachers began to make a big deal about my writing and my quirky personality. Adults gushed over me and it made me uncomfortable. I couldn't see what they saw in me. As far as I knew, neither could my mother. Even as I write this it gets me a little choked up as I ponder how long I've denied my greatness from fear of being too great. That was a kind of pressure I didn't want. I craved mediocrity so that I would never have to be in the spotlight. I couldn't stand the idea of being on display, being misunderstood, misjudged, or just flat out disliked because of my power.
Just as the cast of Harlem faced their demons, took accountability, and ultimately chose to heal and grow, I too have been walking my own journey of self-discovery and healing for the past several years. From friendship, identity, and forgiving my mother, I have gradually fallen in love with myself in an unconditional way. Tears spill from my eyes as the bitter sweet reality takes hold of me -- I can see how much I've grown and ultimately I'm proud of how I've chosen to grow up -- cause it certainly is a choice. But still I can't help but mourn the years I hid my true essence from the world -- from myself. By now I should have been a famous writer, poet, artist, designer, or filmmaker. Perhaps all of the above. I do regret it. Fully seeing myself now, truly knowing myself, I can't help but shake my head in shame. I let my potential remain obscure. Maybe it's why House of Wolf means so much to me. This might be retribution.
How can I not be ecstatic??? I'm watching my dreams come true. I always wanted a place that I could call home. Now, a well-respected, spiritual advisor and practitioner, balancing my endless creative endeavors I realize this was my path all along. Our interns, members, and allies remind me that this is real. It's my vision brought to life through unyielding passion and fearlessness. How can I lose if I do it from the heart? Moreover, having countless people tell me they are inspired or moved by my work solidifies what I've known all along. I was meant to change the world. I've been crazy enough to believe I could do so since I was a child. No more procrastinating. No more holding back. I chose to be a lone wolf and go against the grain. I decided to step into my role as a pioneer. With this comes plenty of pressure but simultaneously satisfaction. Each person I encounter, I'm leaving an imprint. People are rooting for me. They believe in me. Which ultimately breeds belief in themselves. This is the moment I always dreamed about.
Having a chance to sit down with Ted, one of our Intern Writers, sparked a new flame. One I will be sure to keep ignited throughout time. House of Wolf Inc. is my legacy. It's for us. At times I cried hard, I threatened to throw in the towel, hell -- I even took an entire year away in 2022. The truth is, there's nothing else I would rather do. Even if I fail a thousand times. I will never give up on this dream. It's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I even dream about it. That's why I know it's real. I guess I could beat myself up for prolonguing my success. Then again, I could simply celebrate now. I'm building a multidimensional creative space where artists, creatives, and allies can thrive. Hell yes it's hard. It's draining. Yet it is my deepest passion. A space where all of my creative skills can bloom. A homestead where we can just be our authentic selves, no masks, no expectations, no limits. I'm building a platform that will be known worldwide. For once, I'm not scared. I'm elated.
My teachers were right.
I hate that it took me so long to embrace the path that's always been waiting for me. But just imagine all the things we'll do together!
